How To Te a Better Parent Without Yelling at Your Child
"I'm not a parenting expert. In fact, I'm not sure that I even believe in the idea of 'parenting experts.' I'm an engaged, imperfect parent and a passionate researcher. I'm an experienced mapmaker and a stumbling traveler. Like many of you, parenting is by far my boldest and most daring adventure." -Brene Brown
“Stop hitting your sister right now or I will stop this car!” “Don’t touch that!”“Let’s Go! We are going to be late! ”We have all done it, we yell at our children before we even think about it. Afterwards, we usually have feelings of guilt and shame, but the pattern continues on. According to a recent study by psychiatrists at a hospital affiliated with Harvard Medical School, yelling can significantly and permanently alter the structure of a child’s brain and I am assuming not in a good way. Let’s look at a few aspects of how we can change and do parenting in a better way. In this article, we will look at the psychological effects yelling has on children. You'll also learn some helpful strategies so you become a better parent without yelling at your child.
Effects of Yelling on Parents
Feel guilty
I can’t control myself or it occurs unconsciously
Feelings of stress, overwhelm, irritation and fear
Feel like yelling will get results
Feel justified to get the result, such as being on time
Creates adrenaline rush, can bring on fight or flight response
Effects of Yelling on Children
Scares children
Creates a feeling of insecurity
Creates fight or flight response
They shut down and don’t respond and the whole process takes even longer or creates more of a fight
Here is your checklist before you respond to your children: How would you want to be treated? Do you enjoy being yelled at? Does it make you want to respond to that person in a positive manner? We all know that yelling may scare you into responding but it doesn’t feel good to anyone. The only time it is effective and appropriate is when someone might get hurt or they are hurting someone else.
Take a deep breath and center yourself, so that you are not just reacting.
Instead of writing it off as bad behavior assess the situation. Are your children tired, hungry, sick or all of the above? Tend to their needs rather than attempting to control with a loud voice.
Take an inventory of yourself. Are you tired, hungry, sick, or stressed? Have compassion for yourself and know that you may need to cut yourself some slack.
Before you respond think how you would like to be treated? How can you make this situation lighter, fun, engaging, silly or more interesting?
Don’t have so many rules. Are they safe? Are they potentially going to hurt themselves or others? Rate the situation before responding, half the time it isn’t so critical, it just doesn’t fit the picture we have in our heads. Do I love my son’s motor sound effects as we go through the grocery store? Not always, but he really isn’t bringing harm to anyone and he seems to be enjoying himself, even if I find it annoying.
Create systems for the household. When you are not in a rush to make it to school on time, for example in the evening:
Lay out clothes the night before
Plan menus for the next day so you know what you are going to make for breakfast and pack for lunches
Set the timer or have an alarm that goes off 10 minutes before departure time to give everyone time to transition
Make loading up fun, sing a song, play a game, create a contest
Remember failing to plan is planning to fail. Many of our tough situations can be avoided with some preparation and foresight.
Breathe and Breathe Again. A reset in our minds may be all that is necessary.Practice kind speech, there are so many ways to make our requests that are not offensive or fear inducing.Speaks as you would have liked to have been spoken to as a child. Finally, if you have yelled, apologize to all involved. Show the child that parents make mistakes as well and that we all can learn from a situation.
Conclusion
We often don’t know what is going on with people or our children on the inside. The dawdling child or antagonistic sibling is rarely about the situation at hand, it is usually about something emotional inside of them that they haven’t quite figured out how to process.When we think of our children with compassion to whatever they are dealing with I find my well of patience runs deep and my voice is easily soft.